Friday we had the Memorial Service as planned. It is too bad it did not turn out as well as I have hoped for. We had a fairly nice turnout. People from the old neighborhood came since the church was right by where my wife and her brother lived with their parents. All these people I also knew and I really appreciated their showing of respect towards Her.
The problem I had was with the priest. First of all nobody could understand what he was saying. This is a very large church, he spoke into a microphone and because of the echo it was impossible to follow what he was saying. Fortunately I caught twice when he mentioned my wife's name and that was enough for me.
The other thing was that he rushed the entire service like he had somewhere to go. I understand that this is routine and doing it several times a day, day in and day out gets kind of boring but come on, this his job. If he does not like it quit and do something else that is more exciting. I can't even say that this was an empty church. No, there were quite a few people besides us for the Lent service so, he should have conducted a decent, respectable mass.
That's all right. Next time I am having my argument with god I'll mention this, too. By the way, I did ask god while I was in his house why did he do what he did. Why did he take her away from us but to date I received no response.
The sad truth is that I will very likely not receive an explanation and it will take a long time for me to understand and accept the reasoning behind my wife's leaving this earth.
Every time I see two people together I feel very envious and sad. I feel I was robbed from having love, having somebody snuggle up to me at night, kissing somebody before drifting off to sleep.
Ok, it is only almost five weeks that She passed away and my feelings for Her are very strong and I do understand that it is fairly normal. But I don't want to live up to a norm. It is me and for me all these feelings are unique and painful.
Will they go away? No, they won't. But they will subside in time and will not be in the forefront. But they will always remain in my mind and heart. I know life goes on, the sun comes up every day, there are things to do, bills to pay, friends to cultivate. So, I must get my act together and start being strong because that's what She would have wanted to do.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
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