Love and Pain

I have to tell that the pain of seeing one's loved one dying must be the worst thing in the world.

The week before my wife passed away was really the beginning of the end. On Thursday the attending physician after checking on my wife's condition waved to me to follow him out of the room. He informed me that from that point on they would stop all treatments and they would concentrate on only making Her comfortable. This is what they called "comfort treatment". In other words they saw no reason to continue any medical treatment because there was nothing more they could do there was no hope for a reversal of Her condition.

At this point I thought I would die! As nicely and gently he put it, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

This really would be the beginning of the end? I did not want to accept it. I did not want to believe that there was nothing more that could be done. I started grasping at straws, I was desperate. I started looking into clinical trials and was talking to doctors. I was told she was too sick and too far gone for any clinical trials and Her condition was irreversible.

This was the hardest part. To accept the inevitable. And during all this She was just lying there peacefully (I think)unaware of what was going on around Her.

I was told by the nurses to keep talking to her because even if there was no visible reaction She was supposed to hear the voices. I sat by Her bed and told Her repeatedly how much I loved Her and how much it meant to me that we were together all these years (33+). And if and when we argued and fought at the end of the day we made peace and the next day was always new day.

I hope when She took Her last breath She knew that She was loved very, very much.

At the bereavement session there were women who lost their husbands several months ago, one as long as eight monts ago and still could not get herself to accept it and make changes in her life. Can not get rid of his clothing, would not change things in the house, etc. Understandable if not practical. We agreed that there are no set rules for something like this. People must do what they feel like doing and when they think the time is right. As I said before, life must go on. Actually, it is easier said than done!

Right now I am not touching anything that belong to my wife. I have no plans to do anything. I am hoping for a miracle that maybe the doorbell will ring and She will stand there and in that case She will need all Her things.

Maybe god realized it was a mistake to take Her away and will send Her back to earth to continue with Her life. God can do anything he wants. Why in the world would he need my wife, my love. Is it to punish Her or is it to punish me?

I do not think we did anything so bad in our lives to deserve this!

I have been arguing with god every night. I told him that he owes me big time for what he did or for what he did not do, like cure Her.

I told god I don't care if he gets angry at me but just make sure She is in a good place where there is no more suffering and She is with her loved ones. He could at least do this for Her and me.

A very good and close friend of mine sent me this:

God's Garden

God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
and the hills are hard to climb.
So, He closed your weary eyelids
and whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.