A never ending sadness

I am starting to write this on Monday afternoon at 5:00 pm. Exactly half hour shy of four weeks after my wife passed away. Four weeks ago at this time I knew the end was near but was still hoping for a last minute reprieve, a miracle. But that miracle never came and at 5:30 Her world came to an end.

Her suffering was over, She had no more pains. There was no more discomfort, no more medications to be administered and life as She knew was no more.

Knowing all these and more should comfort me. The knowledge that She does not suffer any more should comfort me. The fact that She does not have to be prodded with needles and tubes should comfort me. But they do not.

I still feel empty and the fact that She is not here with me is driving me up the wall. I said earlier that at 5:30 pm Her world came to an end. In reality my world also came to an end. But I am supposed to be strong silent type and supposed to be able to take the pain. I am a man and men are strong and men do not cry.

That is hogwash! I am in pain and I do cry. I cry for a lost life, I cry for a lost love and I cry for all the sufferings She had to go through and at the end for what? I am not crying for me, I am crying for Her.

I had friends who lost their loved ones years ago. At those times I did not realize the grief they had to go through. The pain, the loss of their partners. Now, I do understand! Now I am one of them and I share their grief.

At the funeral service I said no one should take their spouses, partners for granted. Life is funny and God works in mysterious ways. Tragedy can strike from the most unexpected direction.

At the funeral service I also said that no matter what tragedy happens the sun will go down and the next day the sun will come up again. Meaning that life goes on. I do believe this even when this is easier said than done.

I have no children to take care of, I have no pets that rely on me, I have no family that needs me. I am alone but I do have good friends who stand by me in my time of sorrow. And that is a very good feeling.

Last week I attended a bereavement session at Sloan Kettering Hospital for people who recently lost a family member. Before, I never believed in these counseling sessions. But I have to tell you it was very enlightening. First, it was very open and honest. It was not shameful for any one of us to cry openly when we talked about our loved ones we lost. We all compared notes about our behaviors and realized there was nothing abnormal about what each of us were doing.

There really is no rule about how to behave when one loses the love of his or her life.