Today (Sunday) I heard an ad on the radio where they said how healthy horseradish is. They said just a little bit a day will make one feel very good. They also said it has superb antioxidant properties and a small amaount a day is very good to eat.
So on that note and keeping healthy living in the forefront of my existence I fixed myself a strong bloody mary this afternoon. You must understand that my bloody mary is heavy on horseradish. As I am sitting here writing this I'm sipping my health drink and feeling very good. Well, beside the horseradish I have a few secret receipes that make my concoction extremely good.
I am writing this at 6 in the afternoon and it is thundering and lightning in my neighborhood. A beautiful Sunday if I may say so. I feel sorry for my friends who came over from the UK and now are stuck with this miserable weather. This is not an outdoorsy weather. It has been raining almost non stop since Saturday morning.
Maybe because they premiered the movie Noah on Friday. And we all know what Noah is all about. Rain, rain and more rain. So this weather might be a marketing ploy for the movie.
Back to healthy living. They kept saying for years that coffee is no good because of caffeine in it. Now they changed it saying that actually caffeine is beneficial for hair growth and also ward off Alzheimer's. Years ago they said eggs will increase the cholesterol level. Now they are saying eggs are good may prevent macular degeneration and eggs can also prevent strokes and heart attacks.
My head is spinning from all this eat do not eat, drink do not drink advise. Why the scientists can not get their acts together and come up with good reliable advice. Every few days in the media they come up with some newly discovered "fact" that proves long believed facts wrong.
It is amazing how much this modern world do not know.
In my parents' and grandparents' time there were no such discoveries, or at least very few. People ate what they could get their hand on or whatever was traditional. And they all were healthy and happy. There was no high cholesterol, high blood pressure or any other complications. Oh, and my Mother and Grandmother did not cook with canola oil but used lard. And I ate well, very well.
This new world has its own complications in food: tofu, organic food, artificial seafood, farm produced fish.
Where I grew up people stuffed ducks and geese by hand and that way they got big and fat with huge livers. They might have not been too happy about it but when at the end of the road they were being killed for food what difference it made. The goose liver pates were fantastic I have to admit.
Now to make the ducks and geese happy they can not be hand stuffed. I don't know how happy they are when their heads are chopped off.
That's life on the slow lane.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
We or Me
I am having a difficult time with the posessive nouns. At least that is what I think they are called. I am not William Safire, I am not a master of the English language but I still feel at home with it.
However, during discussions I am apt to talk about things in first person plural. Instead of saying I don't like it or I don't frequent it I will say we don't like it or we don't frequent it.
It is not easy to change one's habits after many years. I was first married for twenty years and the second time for over thirty-three years. So in all honesty I never had the chance to think for myself or never had a thought that was really just mine. In all those years I was practically told what to think and how to think. A domesticated version of the Manchurian Candidate!
Don't misunderstand me, I loved every minute of it. That is why it is so difficult to get used to saying things like it is mine, I don't like it or I don't go to places like that etc. ways selected our cars together. She was responsible for the colors and the look of the car. I was responsible for... I don't know for what, I think that they had four wheels. So, it was always our car. Now I have to say it is my car. Takes some getting used to.
While I am talking to people I keep catching myself talking about my wife in the present tense and saying things using the plural posessive noun. I am sure this will change and I will be able to conduct normal conversations but I do need time to get used to my new way of life.
Yesterday I received a condolance letter from somebody I have known for a very long time. I immensely respect and admire this person and all the advice he gave me I take very seriously. He went through a similar traumatic experience fifteen years ago and did not fall to pieces. He picked up and started life again and today he is very happily married for over ten years.
O.k. at the time he was ten years younger then I am now when his tragedy struck but what is age? It's only a number, right?
However, during discussions I am apt to talk about things in first person plural. Instead of saying I don't like it or I don't frequent it I will say we don't like it or we don't frequent it.
It is not easy to change one's habits after many years. I was first married for twenty years and the second time for over thirty-three years. So in all honesty I never had the chance to think for myself or never had a thought that was really just mine. In all those years I was practically told what to think and how to think. A domesticated version of the Manchurian Candidate!
Don't misunderstand me, I loved every minute of it. That is why it is so difficult to get used to saying things like it is mine, I don't like it or I don't go to places like that etc. ways selected our cars together. She was responsible for the colors and the look of the car. I was responsible for... I don't know for what, I think that they had four wheels. So, it was always our car. Now I have to say it is my car. Takes some getting used to.
While I am talking to people I keep catching myself talking about my wife in the present tense and saying things using the plural posessive noun. I am sure this will change and I will be able to conduct normal conversations but I do need time to get used to my new way of life.
Yesterday I received a condolance letter from somebody I have known for a very long time. I immensely respect and admire this person and all the advice he gave me I take very seriously. He went through a similar traumatic experience fifteen years ago and did not fall to pieces. He picked up and started life again and today he is very happily married for over ten years.
O.k. at the time he was ten years younger then I am now when his tragedy struck but what is age? It's only a number, right?
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Subjects
Some people ask me how do I find things to write about every day. Actually what they mean how do I find different things to write about.
It is easy. Just look around in the world. There is something happening every hour of the day every single day. So, just sit down think about what you really care about and write what you think might be interesting and worth mentioning.
Unfortunately enough tragedy happened to me fill up an entire book. But to write down my feelings about what happened is a lot easier than talking to people.
When I describe my feelings, heartaches I feel like I am imposing on others by forcing them to politely listen to my ramblings. And they might just do that.
But when I write those same feelings down I am not forcing anybody to read them. If they are not interested they can stop anytime. However, it makes me feel a lot better and I feel relieved after. I might not be able to describe them as eloquently as if I were saying them but then I am not Shakespeare either. But it makes me feel a lot better to open up like that.
It also eliminates the need for each and every person to ask how am I doing.
Slowly I will try to change the subject of my blog away from myself and I'll try to write about curent or lighter subjects. But you must understand, it is not easy. What happened to me is so overwhelming that it affects every aspect of my life.
In reality there is not a moment of a day that does not reflect the changes my life is being forced to go through. But as a good trooper I am dealing with the hardships and getting accustomed to my new life.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
It is easy. Just look around in the world. There is something happening every hour of the day every single day. So, just sit down think about what you really care about and write what you think might be interesting and worth mentioning.
Unfortunately enough tragedy happened to me fill up an entire book. But to write down my feelings about what happened is a lot easier than talking to people.
When I describe my feelings, heartaches I feel like I am imposing on others by forcing them to politely listen to my ramblings. And they might just do that.
But when I write those same feelings down I am not forcing anybody to read them. If they are not interested they can stop anytime. However, it makes me feel a lot better and I feel relieved after. I might not be able to describe them as eloquently as if I were saying them but then I am not Shakespeare either. But it makes me feel a lot better to open up like that.
It also eliminates the need for each and every person to ask how am I doing.
Slowly I will try to change the subject of my blog away from myself and I'll try to write about curent or lighter subjects. But you must understand, it is not easy. What happened to me is so overwhelming that it affects every aspect of my life.
In reality there is not a moment of a day that does not reflect the changes my life is being forced to go through. But as a good trooper I am dealing with the hardships and getting accustomed to my new life.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
Friday, March 28, 2014
Cleaning and other stuff
I'm really getting the hang of it. Yesterday was "cleaning day" in my house. I made all kinds of plans what needed to be done, how to do it and how long it would take.
Well, I started around 9 am and was finished by 1 pm. I am getting pretty well organized and I am proud of me for this acomplishment. It's not that I skip things just that some things only get done maybe every two weeks. Since I am the only one here I really don't make too much of a mess. So, why should I kill myself doing stuff that is not needed.
It is a scientific mystery how dust get inside the apartment when no windows are ever open. Yet, after a week or so everything is covered with a fine layer of dust. I would love to know the answer to that.
The funny thing about cleaning is that when the work is done everything is nice, clean and smell good with a clean smell. I am afraid to move, to sit down for disturbing this idyllic environment. It takes a while until I start to feel at home again. And figure so what, if I mess it up I'll just fix it again.
==================================
Later today I will meet with friends that I haven't seen in a long time. My friend and I know each other for almost a lifetime, and believe me that is a long time. Unfortunately, him and his wife live on the othe side of the pond in good old England and we only meet when they come to our side. Anyway, today is the first day that we will meet.
Our plan is to visit some sites in New York, have a nice lunch, talk, catch up with each other then see each other ahgain next Monday for one more time before they are returning home. They knew my wife and were the first to call years ago when they found out about Her illness. So I am sure we will not lack subjects to talk about.
This is what I meant in an earlier writing. Friends like him are not easy to find. Mainly for someone who didn't grow up in this country. Unless one arrives here in a really young age and creates lasting friendships right at the beginning it is not easy.
That's why I cherish these friends I have from the old world. Not that I don't cherish the friends I cultivated since arriving to these shores.
Well, I started around 9 am and was finished by 1 pm. I am getting pretty well organized and I am proud of me for this acomplishment. It's not that I skip things just that some things only get done maybe every two weeks. Since I am the only one here I really don't make too much of a mess. So, why should I kill myself doing stuff that is not needed.
It is a scientific mystery how dust get inside the apartment when no windows are ever open. Yet, after a week or so everything is covered with a fine layer of dust. I would love to know the answer to that.
The funny thing about cleaning is that when the work is done everything is nice, clean and smell good with a clean smell. I am afraid to move, to sit down for disturbing this idyllic environment. It takes a while until I start to feel at home again. And figure so what, if I mess it up I'll just fix it again.
==================================
Later today I will meet with friends that I haven't seen in a long time. My friend and I know each other for almost a lifetime, and believe me that is a long time. Unfortunately, him and his wife live on the othe side of the pond in good old England and we only meet when they come to our side. Anyway, today is the first day that we will meet.
Our plan is to visit some sites in New York, have a nice lunch, talk, catch up with each other then see each other ahgain next Monday for one more time before they are returning home. They knew my wife and were the first to call years ago when they found out about Her illness. So I am sure we will not lack subjects to talk about.
This is what I meant in an earlier writing. Friends like him are not easy to find. Mainly for someone who didn't grow up in this country. Unless one arrives here in a really young age and creates lasting friendships right at the beginning it is not easy.
That's why I cherish these friends I have from the old world. Not that I don't cherish the friends I cultivated since arriving to these shores.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Shopping
Yesterday I decided to "splurge". I figured nothing is too expensive for me so I spend money on myself, for a change.
I have a bedside alarm clock radio that is quite a few years old and not all of its functions are working (just like me!). I like to go to sleep with some music on but can not turn it low enough that the neighbors wouldn't hear it.
So, yesterday I went to Best Buy, Walmart and Target for comparison shopping. Doesn't it make sense? One just doesn't go and buy the first item he sees without further investigation, right?
Well, the ones I saw were were in different price ranges from $200 down. I don't need the damn thing to talk to me, to curl up next to me, charge all the electronics during the night including my Apple phone (that I don't have) and god knows what else.
I just want an am, fm radio with wake up and sleep features. The simplest things one needs the hardest it is to find. But I prevailed and I found a nice little RCA radio at Target for $8.39. Yes, for $8.39.
Can't tell you how happy I was with my find. Good name, looks good, has everything I wanted.
Long story short: it is going back to Target. Biggest piece of sh.t in a small box. I really got what I paid for. That what happens when somebody is cheap or wants to be thrifty.
The trouble with technology today that it is moving ahead in leaps and bounds. They are forcing us to keep up with it otherwise we will be left behind, far behind.
I have a Panasonic mini stereo system with two speakers. The thing has cd player, tape player and am/fm radio. There is also a record player connected to it. It perfectly fits behind a glass door in a wooden cabinet. Well, sometime ago its start up memory went haywire and I found out it can not be fixed. I guess it got alzheimer's.
I'm going nuts trying to find a similar one since this model is discontinued. I went to a few stores and asked around. The sales people looked at me with those sorrow look and shook their heads while saying oh we don't make those anymore. Now, if that does not make one feel old I don't know what does.
But I don't give up. I keep looking. Even if one has an I-phone or blue tooth something charger built in I might buy it just to show those sales people how cool I am.
I have a bedside alarm clock radio that is quite a few years old and not all of its functions are working (just like me!). I like to go to sleep with some music on but can not turn it low enough that the neighbors wouldn't hear it.
So, yesterday I went to Best Buy, Walmart and Target for comparison shopping. Doesn't it make sense? One just doesn't go and buy the first item he sees without further investigation, right?
Well, the ones I saw were were in different price ranges from $200 down. I don't need the damn thing to talk to me, to curl up next to me, charge all the electronics during the night including my Apple phone (that I don't have) and god knows what else.
I just want an am, fm radio with wake up and sleep features. The simplest things one needs the hardest it is to find. But I prevailed and I found a nice little RCA radio at Target for $8.39. Yes, for $8.39.
Can't tell you how happy I was with my find. Good name, looks good, has everything I wanted.
Long story short: it is going back to Target. Biggest piece of sh.t in a small box. I really got what I paid for. That what happens when somebody is cheap or wants to be thrifty.
The trouble with technology today that it is moving ahead in leaps and bounds. They are forcing us to keep up with it otherwise we will be left behind, far behind.
I have a Panasonic mini stereo system with two speakers. The thing has cd player, tape player and am/fm radio. There is also a record player connected to it. It perfectly fits behind a glass door in a wooden cabinet. Well, sometime ago its start up memory went haywire and I found out it can not be fixed. I guess it got alzheimer's.
I'm going nuts trying to find a similar one since this model is discontinued. I went to a few stores and asked around. The sales people looked at me with those sorrow look and shook their heads while saying oh we don't make those anymore. Now, if that does not make one feel old I don't know what does.
But I don't give up. I keep looking. Even if one has an I-phone or blue tooth something charger built in I might buy it just to show those sales people how cool I am.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Life goes on
Every time I meet somebody they always ask me how am I doing. It is nice to know that people care but what is the correct response?
I am doing o.k. I carry on with my life, I am doing the necessary chores. I am not a mental basket case, at least not out in the open. What I do and how I feel in the privacy of my home is mine and mine alone.
Yesterday somebody from my building asked me just the same question. I told him I do things just the way my wife would have wanted me to. I don't want Her to get pissed at me for doing something the wrong way.
But I don't plan to live in a mausoleum either. When time is right I will make some changes but only if I think they are necessary.
I have a cousin in Hungary whose mother passed away about twenty years ago. He lives in the same apartment, never changed anything, did not give away her clothing or any of her belongings. Now, this is not a very normal nor healthy behaviour.
I certainly don't plan to live like that. Memories are not in material items but in one's heart. Clothing and stuff are just that: material items.
What I really resent is when somebody tells me "if you want to talk just call".
The way I look at this as long as I don't call everything is well. But according to them when I feel the need to talk I should call.
Well, it ain't gonna happen! The way I look at it anybody who is interested in my well being is free to pick up the phone and call. I will be very happy to talk and convey how I feel. But I am not burdening anybody with my pains and problems. Nobody can come close to understanding it anyway. Not saying that other people didn't go through similar losses but we all deal with our pains differently. That is what makes us humans.
I do have friends who call and inquire and show genuine interest in my well being and I am very grateful for them. But then not everybody is the same.
I am doing o.k. I carry on with my life, I am doing the necessary chores. I am not a mental basket case, at least not out in the open. What I do and how I feel in the privacy of my home is mine and mine alone.
Yesterday somebody from my building asked me just the same question. I told him I do things just the way my wife would have wanted me to. I don't want Her to get pissed at me for doing something the wrong way.
But I don't plan to live in a mausoleum either. When time is right I will make some changes but only if I think they are necessary.
I have a cousin in Hungary whose mother passed away about twenty years ago. He lives in the same apartment, never changed anything, did not give away her clothing or any of her belongings. Now, this is not a very normal nor healthy behaviour.
I certainly don't plan to live like that. Memories are not in material items but in one's heart. Clothing and stuff are just that: material items.
What I really resent is when somebody tells me "if you want to talk just call".
The way I look at this as long as I don't call everything is well. But according to them when I feel the need to talk I should call.
Well, it ain't gonna happen! The way I look at it anybody who is interested in my well being is free to pick up the phone and call. I will be very happy to talk and convey how I feel. But I am not burdening anybody with my pains and problems. Nobody can come close to understanding it anyway. Not saying that other people didn't go through similar losses but we all deal with our pains differently. That is what makes us humans.
I do have friends who call and inquire and show genuine interest in my well being and I am very grateful for them. But then not everybody is the same.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
A day of rest
Sunday, the weekend went by so fast I barely noticed it. I know it is Tuesday now but I just came up for air from the busy weekend.
Saturday I was with friends, did supermarket shopping and other things. Sunday was a great day. I got up, fixed myself my favorite breakfast: two bird nests (I hope everybody know what they are), had coffee, freshened up the apartment, paid some bills then settled down to do absolutely nothing.
As an excuse, I am battling a stubborn cold that is still on the incoming path. For lunch I fixed myself what seemed like a gallon of Lipton chicken noodle soup or the Jewish penicillin that I ate at one sitting.
In the afternoon I watched a lot of college basketball (which I really don't care about one way or another), snoozed and watched more.
Had a few telephone calls than watched more. For dinner I had more "penicillin". A friend of mine made me real chicken soup that I ate. It was fabulous. Can't wait until I eat the other half. Too bad it is in the freezer and frozen solid.
After dinner more tv then about midnight go to sleep for a well deserved rest.
But look at it the other way. Everything I didn't do on Sunday I have another day to do. This way I'll never be bored!
Saturday I was with friends, did supermarket shopping and other things. Sunday was a great day. I got up, fixed myself my favorite breakfast: two bird nests (I hope everybody know what they are), had coffee, freshened up the apartment, paid some bills then settled down to do absolutely nothing.
As an excuse, I am battling a stubborn cold that is still on the incoming path. For lunch I fixed myself what seemed like a gallon of Lipton chicken noodle soup or the Jewish penicillin that I ate at one sitting.
In the afternoon I watched a lot of college basketball (which I really don't care about one way or another), snoozed and watched more.
Had a few telephone calls than watched more. For dinner I had more "penicillin". A friend of mine made me real chicken soup that I ate. It was fabulous. Can't wait until I eat the other half. Too bad it is in the freezer and frozen solid.
After dinner more tv then about midnight go to sleep for a well deserved rest.
But look at it the other way. Everything I didn't do on Sunday I have another day to do. This way I'll never be bored!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Friendship
Friends and friendship is a very valuable commodity. It is not easy to find good and loyal friends. It is not something that you can buy or you can find on Craig's list.
Friendships last a very long time maybe even a lifetime and good friendships are really durable. They will survive life's ups and downs, they will survive criticism. Good friends do not get insulted by one and other if negative criticism is voiced.
Good friendship is an investment. One invests in his or her friends and the lifetime dividends are enormous.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog when tragedy strikes the family comes forward, pat you on the head and withdraw hoping you do not call for any further help. Good friends stay and offer genuine help and assistance in the daily life.
How does one develop friends?
I don't think there is a prescription on friendship. It just happens. When two or more people click, find mutual interests and find each other likable the first condition of good friends is satisfied. Then comes honesty and trust. Because one should not distrust his friends and one should not try to lie and mislead his friends either.
Friends are not just to go parties with, go to the movies with or going out drinking with. Friend are the ones who take genuine interest in each other's lives and the ones one can turn to when there is really needed.
I have friends who I have known almost all of my adult life, which believe me is quite a long time, then I have friends I have known only for a measly 52 to 57 years.
The sad thing is that because the way our lifes turned out, some of my oldest and best friends are in different parts of the world. And that makes our contacts more complicated. I know they feel with me and they care about me but still not being nearby makes it little bit more difficult. But hey, our friendships survived the distance and the oceans between us and that is something.
One of my oldest (not by age) friend is coming to visit next week from the other side of the pond and another one is coming up from another state and I am really excited about it. Looking forward to seeing them and their wives and have some nice frank conversations. Just sorry that I will be the fifth wheel at our gathering.
But I am proud to say that our friendships endured time and distance. And, I hope we have many, many more years of such get togethers ahead of us.
Friendships last a very long time maybe even a lifetime and good friendships are really durable. They will survive life's ups and downs, they will survive criticism. Good friends do not get insulted by one and other if negative criticism is voiced.
Good friendship is an investment. One invests in his or her friends and the lifetime dividends are enormous.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog when tragedy strikes the family comes forward, pat you on the head and withdraw hoping you do not call for any further help. Good friends stay and offer genuine help and assistance in the daily life.
How does one develop friends?
I don't think there is a prescription on friendship. It just happens. When two or more people click, find mutual interests and find each other likable the first condition of good friends is satisfied. Then comes honesty and trust. Because one should not distrust his friends and one should not try to lie and mislead his friends either.
Friends are not just to go parties with, go to the movies with or going out drinking with. Friend are the ones who take genuine interest in each other's lives and the ones one can turn to when there is really needed.
I have friends who I have known almost all of my adult life, which believe me is quite a long time, then I have friends I have known only for a measly 52 to 57 years.
The sad thing is that because the way our lifes turned out, some of my oldest and best friends are in different parts of the world. And that makes our contacts more complicated. I know they feel with me and they care about me but still not being nearby makes it little bit more difficult. But hey, our friendships survived the distance and the oceans between us and that is something.
One of my oldest (not by age) friend is coming to visit next week from the other side of the pond and another one is coming up from another state and I am really excited about it. Looking forward to seeing them and their wives and have some nice frank conversations. Just sorry that I will be the fifth wheel at our gathering.
But I am proud to say that our friendships endured time and distance. And, I hope we have many, many more years of such get togethers ahead of us.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Thoughts on a Memorial Service
Friday we had the Memorial Service as planned. It is too bad it did not turn out as well as I have hoped for. We had a fairly nice turnout. People from the old neighborhood came since the church was right by where my wife and her brother lived with their parents. All these people I also knew and I really appreciated their showing of respect towards Her.
The problem I had was with the priest. First of all nobody could understand what he was saying. This is a very large church, he spoke into a microphone and because of the echo it was impossible to follow what he was saying. Fortunately I caught twice when he mentioned my wife's name and that was enough for me.
The other thing was that he rushed the entire service like he had somewhere to go. I understand that this is routine and doing it several times a day, day in and day out gets kind of boring but come on, this his job. If he does not like it quit and do something else that is more exciting. I can't even say that this was an empty church. No, there were quite a few people besides us for the Lent service so, he should have conducted a decent, respectable mass.
That's all right. Next time I am having my argument with god I'll mention this, too. By the way, I did ask god while I was in his house why did he do what he did. Why did he take her away from us but to date I received no response.
The sad truth is that I will very likely not receive an explanation and it will take a long time for me to understand and accept the reasoning behind my wife's leaving this earth.
Every time I see two people together I feel very envious and sad. I feel I was robbed from having love, having somebody snuggle up to me at night, kissing somebody before drifting off to sleep.
Ok, it is only almost five weeks that She passed away and my feelings for Her are very strong and I do understand that it is fairly normal. But I don't want to live up to a norm. It is me and for me all these feelings are unique and painful.
Will they go away? No, they won't. But they will subside in time and will not be in the forefront. But they will always remain in my mind and heart. I know life goes on, the sun comes up every day, there are things to do, bills to pay, friends to cultivate. So, I must get my act together and start being strong because that's what She would have wanted to do.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
The problem I had was with the priest. First of all nobody could understand what he was saying. This is a very large church, he spoke into a microphone and because of the echo it was impossible to follow what he was saying. Fortunately I caught twice when he mentioned my wife's name and that was enough for me.
The other thing was that he rushed the entire service like he had somewhere to go. I understand that this is routine and doing it several times a day, day in and day out gets kind of boring but come on, this his job. If he does not like it quit and do something else that is more exciting. I can't even say that this was an empty church. No, there were quite a few people besides us for the Lent service so, he should have conducted a decent, respectable mass.
That's all right. Next time I am having my argument with god I'll mention this, too. By the way, I did ask god while I was in his house why did he do what he did. Why did he take her away from us but to date I received no response.
The sad truth is that I will very likely not receive an explanation and it will take a long time for me to understand and accept the reasoning behind my wife's leaving this earth.
Every time I see two people together I feel very envious and sad. I feel I was robbed from having love, having somebody snuggle up to me at night, kissing somebody before drifting off to sleep.
Ok, it is only almost five weeks that She passed away and my feelings for Her are very strong and I do understand that it is fairly normal. But I don't want to live up to a norm. It is me and for me all these feelings are unique and painful.
Will they go away? No, they won't. But they will subside in time and will not be in the forefront. But they will always remain in my mind and heart. I know life goes on, the sun comes up every day, there are things to do, bills to pay, friends to cultivate. So, I must get my act together and start being strong because that's what She would have wanted to do.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
My Grief
The quoted portion is directly from Wikipedia:
"Grieving process: Every step of the process is natural and healthy. It is only when a person gets stuck in one step for a long period of time that the grieving can become unhealthy, destructive and even dangerous. Going through the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but everyone does have a common goal; acceptance of the loss and to keep moving forward. This process is different for every person but can be understood in four or more stages, depending upon the theory that is being used. In the four step model there are:
Shock and Denial
Shock is the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The person may not yet be willing or able to believe what their mind knows to be true. This stage normally lasts two or three months.
Intense Concern
Intense concern often manifests by being unable to think of anything else. Even during daily tasks, thoughts of the loss keep coming to mind. Conversations with one at this stage always turn to the loss as well. This period may last from six months to a year.
Despair and Depression
Despair and depression is a long period of grief, the most painful and protracted stage for the griever (during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss). The process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many behaviors may be irrational. Depression can include feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and anxiety.
Recovery
The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. In this stage, one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally day to day. The goal is to reorganize one’s life, so the loss is an important part of life rather than its center."
This might be boring to read to anybody not involved but the more I read it the more I realize that I do have some of these symptoms.
Three months, six months to a year, long period of grief... They all sound all right when one is a younger person but I do not have the luxury of waiting several years. I am kind of over the hill even if I don't feel it. So, every year counts at this time in my life.
This does not mean that I want to get this grief business as listed above over with. I will deal wit it in my own way and in my own time. That is the whole idea.
Right now, analyzing myself, I am in step one and two. I am trying to deal with daily life as well as I can while I am not ready to believe what really transpired.
I am not anxiously waiting for the symptoms to disappear and let the next step began but I do realize these stages of grief exist and a person has to go through them.
Right now everything is fresh and things I have to take care of -business wise- break my heart each and every time. It is the finality of the situation that is the hardest to accept.
Anybody who read my blog might realize that this is the first time I did not write about my wife but I wrote about myself and my feelings. This does not mean that I turned the corner and worry only about me. No sir! I really don't worry about me. I only care about Her and Her memory.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
"Grieving process: Every step of the process is natural and healthy. It is only when a person gets stuck in one step for a long period of time that the grieving can become unhealthy, destructive and even dangerous. Going through the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but everyone does have a common goal; acceptance of the loss and to keep moving forward. This process is different for every person but can be understood in four or more stages, depending upon the theory that is being used. In the four step model there are:
Shock and Denial
Shock is the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The person may not yet be willing or able to believe what their mind knows to be true. This stage normally lasts two or three months.
Intense Concern
Intense concern often manifests by being unable to think of anything else. Even during daily tasks, thoughts of the loss keep coming to mind. Conversations with one at this stage always turn to the loss as well. This period may last from six months to a year.
Despair and Depression
Despair and depression is a long period of grief, the most painful and protracted stage for the griever (during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss). The process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many behaviors may be irrational. Depression can include feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and anxiety.
Recovery
The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. In this stage, one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally day to day. The goal is to reorganize one’s life, so the loss is an important part of life rather than its center."
This might be boring to read to anybody not involved but the more I read it the more I realize that I do have some of these symptoms.
Three months, six months to a year, long period of grief... They all sound all right when one is a younger person but I do not have the luxury of waiting several years. I am kind of over the hill even if I don't feel it. So, every year counts at this time in my life.
This does not mean that I want to get this grief business as listed above over with. I will deal wit it in my own way and in my own time. That is the whole idea.
Right now, analyzing myself, I am in step one and two. I am trying to deal with daily life as well as I can while I am not ready to believe what really transpired.
I am not anxiously waiting for the symptoms to disappear and let the next step began but I do realize these stages of grief exist and a person has to go through them.
Right now everything is fresh and things I have to take care of -business wise- break my heart each and every time. It is the finality of the situation that is the hardest to accept.
Anybody who read my blog might realize that this is the first time I did not write about my wife but I wrote about myself and my feelings. This does not mean that I turned the corner and worry only about me. No sir! I really don't worry about me. I only care about Her and Her memory.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
Friday, March 21, 2014
Memorial Service
Friday afternoon we plan to have a memorial service for my wife in a Manhattan church. This service is being held in the neighborhood she lived in before we met. Now, I am Jewish but She was a baptized Roman Catholic and we decided to give Her this memorial service.
I'll be in god's house and I plan to ask him directly why did he do this. Why did he not help her and why did he decide to ruin our family.
Like I said I am Jewish but She was Catholic. But I do believe that god does not care about religion. It is only something to confuse people like we all speak different languages. If there is a god he is everywhere and he understands every language. Not just Hebrew or Latin or Arabic or Chinese or any other religion's language. It does not matter what language we speak to him as long as it is in our hearts. That is what god supposed to understand.
When I prayed to him I prayed with my every being for helping my poor wife. But it was to no avail. That is what I plan to ask him on Friday: why?
What was his resoning to take Her away from this world that She loved so much to be in?
Actually I don't want to piss him off. I want him to make sure that my wife is in a good place where there is no more suffering and no more pain. If I can be sure of this then I might be able to relax a bit and accept the situation.
Not that I won't miss Her awful because I do and I will but that knowledge might make it a little bit easier to bear.
Today I am in pain! Not psychological pain but in physical pain. I cleaned the apartment and right now every bone in my body hurt. I keep telling myself that it is like working out in the gym, it is an execise but somehow this theory does not help. I still hurt and that is the end of it. I just hope I did everything the right way and She won't get mad at me. Actually, the apartment is pretty clean now and that is a good feeling. This was the first useful thing I did all week!
I am extremely busy during the week. I make all these plans about doing things then at the end do absolutely nothing. Do you realize how time consuming is to do nothing? Before I realize, the day is over and I just come to the conclusion that I did none of my plans.
I keep hearing my wife saying that I can piss away time like nobody else. Well, at least this way I will have something to do the next day!
I'll be in god's house and I plan to ask him directly why did he do this. Why did he not help her and why did he decide to ruin our family.
Like I said I am Jewish but She was Catholic. But I do believe that god does not care about religion. It is only something to confuse people like we all speak different languages. If there is a god he is everywhere and he understands every language. Not just Hebrew or Latin or Arabic or Chinese or any other religion's language. It does not matter what language we speak to him as long as it is in our hearts. That is what god supposed to understand.
When I prayed to him I prayed with my every being for helping my poor wife. But it was to no avail. That is what I plan to ask him on Friday: why?
What was his resoning to take Her away from this world that She loved so much to be in?
Actually I don't want to piss him off. I want him to make sure that my wife is in a good place where there is no more suffering and no more pain. If I can be sure of this then I might be able to relax a bit and accept the situation.
Not that I won't miss Her awful because I do and I will but that knowledge might make it a little bit easier to bear.
Today I am in pain! Not psychological pain but in physical pain. I cleaned the apartment and right now every bone in my body hurt. I keep telling myself that it is like working out in the gym, it is an execise but somehow this theory does not help. I still hurt and that is the end of it. I just hope I did everything the right way and She won't get mad at me. Actually, the apartment is pretty clean now and that is a good feeling. This was the first useful thing I did all week!
I am extremely busy during the week. I make all these plans about doing things then at the end do absolutely nothing. Do you realize how time consuming is to do nothing? Before I realize, the day is over and I just come to the conclusion that I did none of my plans.
I keep hearing my wife saying that I can piss away time like nobody else. Well, at least this way I will have something to do the next day!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Domestic Engineering
We men tend to take our wives for granted. We already accepted that they are stronger and smarter than us but we also believe that they are indestructible. They are supposed to outlive us, take care of us when we are sick, keep our house in order, keep us fed. And they make it look so simple!
But when tragedy strikes and they leave us before we had the chance to leave we realize that things they made look easy are anything but.
At least I am talking about myself. I am sitting in the empty apartment looking around and saying to no one particular: "my god, I'll have to take care of all this by myself". It is a small consolation that I have an apartment and not a house, but from where I sit it still looks gigantic.
I can't relax. Everywhere I look I notice something that I should clean the next time I clean house. And the list is growing. And when I am convinced I have a complete list something else pops up.
Previously we cleaned everything together. I did the heavy stuff, vacuming, bathroom/kitchen floors, laundry, and She did the small stuff. The porcelain, books, glass and other nick nacks. Now I have to get a PHD from domestic engineering to be able to do all that by myself.
I keep saying to myself that when She comes back we will fix everything. I am having a very difficult time believing that this situation might be permanent.
We hade no children and I really feel sorry for any father who loses his wife but have to take care of his children. Having a child or children around at a time like this robs the person from the chance of grieving. First responsibility is to take care of the children and at the same time put on a pleasant face. Grieving has to be done somewhere in a closet where nobody sees him.
I don't have that problem. There is nobody here with me so I can cry whenever I want to. I don't have to put on a brave face for the sake of children.
Speaking of children. I might be cynical about this but I do believe that at times like this grown children are no help at all. At my age if I had children they would be grown by now with their own families and I would be a grandparent several times over. Also, who knows where my children would live in this huge country.
So, if a tragedy like this strikes they would come and circle their wagons around me for a while. They would say big words, cry crocodile tears and would tell me to call them whenever I needed something. Then they would get in their cars and go home to wherever they lived hoping that I never call.
At the end of the day I would still be alone, I would be without my love, my partner and no children can replace that.
Who can a person count on when tragedy hits at home? Thankfully, I have friends who care about me, who call and inquire about my well being and also since I can not cook feed me.
Here are my problems. I can not cook and I am color blind. The color blindness is worse than not being able to cook since I have to smell food because I might not see if it is turning green. I am afraid I might also dress funny since I don't know what color goes with what. My wife always corrected me if I put something stupid on.
So, today is cleaning day for me and I will try to live up to Her expectations, which will not be easy.
But when tragedy strikes and they leave us before we had the chance to leave we realize that things they made look easy are anything but.
At least I am talking about myself. I am sitting in the empty apartment looking around and saying to no one particular: "my god, I'll have to take care of all this by myself". It is a small consolation that I have an apartment and not a house, but from where I sit it still looks gigantic.
I can't relax. Everywhere I look I notice something that I should clean the next time I clean house. And the list is growing. And when I am convinced I have a complete list something else pops up.
Previously we cleaned everything together. I did the heavy stuff, vacuming, bathroom/kitchen floors, laundry, and She did the small stuff. The porcelain, books, glass and other nick nacks. Now I have to get a PHD from domestic engineering to be able to do all that by myself.
I keep saying to myself that when She comes back we will fix everything. I am having a very difficult time believing that this situation might be permanent.
We hade no children and I really feel sorry for any father who loses his wife but have to take care of his children. Having a child or children around at a time like this robs the person from the chance of grieving. First responsibility is to take care of the children and at the same time put on a pleasant face. Grieving has to be done somewhere in a closet where nobody sees him.
I don't have that problem. There is nobody here with me so I can cry whenever I want to. I don't have to put on a brave face for the sake of children.
Speaking of children. I might be cynical about this but I do believe that at times like this grown children are no help at all. At my age if I had children they would be grown by now with their own families and I would be a grandparent several times over. Also, who knows where my children would live in this huge country.
So, if a tragedy like this strikes they would come and circle their wagons around me for a while. They would say big words, cry crocodile tears and would tell me to call them whenever I needed something. Then they would get in their cars and go home to wherever they lived hoping that I never call.
At the end of the day I would still be alone, I would be without my love, my partner and no children can replace that.
Who can a person count on when tragedy hits at home? Thankfully, I have friends who care about me, who call and inquire about my well being and also since I can not cook feed me.
Here are my problems. I can not cook and I am color blind. The color blindness is worse than not being able to cook since I have to smell food because I might not see if it is turning green. I am afraid I might also dress funny since I don't know what color goes with what. My wife always corrected me if I put something stupid on.
So, today is cleaning day for me and I will try to live up to Her expectations, which will not be easy.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Love and Pain
I have to tell that the pain of seeing one's loved one dying must be the worst thing in the world.
The week before my wife passed away was really the beginning of the end. On Thursday the attending physician after checking on my wife's condition waved to me to follow him out of the room. He informed me that from that point on they would stop all treatments and they would concentrate on only making Her comfortable. This is what they called "comfort treatment". In other words they saw no reason to continue any medical treatment because there was nothing more they could do there was no hope for a reversal of Her condition.
At this point I thought I would die! As nicely and gently he put it, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.
This really would be the beginning of the end? I did not want to accept it. I did not want to believe that there was nothing more that could be done. I started grasping at straws, I was desperate. I started looking into clinical trials and was talking to doctors. I was told she was too sick and too far gone for any clinical trials and Her condition was irreversible.
This was the hardest part. To accept the inevitable. And during all this She was just lying there peacefully (I think)unaware of what was going on around Her.
I was told by the nurses to keep talking to her because even if there was no visible reaction She was supposed to hear the voices. I sat by Her bed and told Her repeatedly how much I loved Her and how much it meant to me that we were together all these years (33+). And if and when we argued and fought at the end of the day we made peace and the next day was always new day.
I hope when She took Her last breath She knew that She was loved very, very much.
At the bereavement session there were women who lost their husbands several months ago, one as long as eight monts ago and still could not get herself to accept it and make changes in her life. Can not get rid of his clothing, would not change things in the house, etc. Understandable if not practical. We agreed that there are no set rules for something like this. People must do what they feel like doing and when they think the time is right. As I said before, life must go on. Actually, it is easier said than done!
Right now I am not touching anything that belong to my wife. I have no plans to do anything. I am hoping for a miracle that maybe the doorbell will ring and She will stand there and in that case She will need all Her things.
Maybe god realized it was a mistake to take Her away and will send Her back to earth to continue with Her life. God can do anything he wants. Why in the world would he need my wife, my love. Is it to punish Her or is it to punish me?
I do not think we did anything so bad in our lives to deserve this!
I have been arguing with god every night. I told him that he owes me big time for what he did or for what he did not do, like cure Her.
I told god I don't care if he gets angry at me but just make sure She is in a good place where there is no more suffering and She is with her loved ones. He could at least do this for Her and me.
A very good and close friend of mine sent me this:
God's Garden
God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
and the hills are hard to climb.
So, He closed your weary eyelids
and whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
The week before my wife passed away was really the beginning of the end. On Thursday the attending physician after checking on my wife's condition waved to me to follow him out of the room. He informed me that from that point on they would stop all treatments and they would concentrate on only making Her comfortable. This is what they called "comfort treatment". In other words they saw no reason to continue any medical treatment because there was nothing more they could do there was no hope for a reversal of Her condition.
At this point I thought I would die! As nicely and gently he put it, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.
This really would be the beginning of the end? I did not want to accept it. I did not want to believe that there was nothing more that could be done. I started grasping at straws, I was desperate. I started looking into clinical trials and was talking to doctors. I was told she was too sick and too far gone for any clinical trials and Her condition was irreversible.
This was the hardest part. To accept the inevitable. And during all this She was just lying there peacefully (I think)unaware of what was going on around Her.
I was told by the nurses to keep talking to her because even if there was no visible reaction She was supposed to hear the voices. I sat by Her bed and told Her repeatedly how much I loved Her and how much it meant to me that we were together all these years (33+). And if and when we argued and fought at the end of the day we made peace and the next day was always new day.
I hope when She took Her last breath She knew that She was loved very, very much.
At the bereavement session there were women who lost their husbands several months ago, one as long as eight monts ago and still could not get herself to accept it and make changes in her life. Can not get rid of his clothing, would not change things in the house, etc. Understandable if not practical. We agreed that there are no set rules for something like this. People must do what they feel like doing and when they think the time is right. As I said before, life must go on. Actually, it is easier said than done!
Right now I am not touching anything that belong to my wife. I have no plans to do anything. I am hoping for a miracle that maybe the doorbell will ring and She will stand there and in that case She will need all Her things.
Maybe god realized it was a mistake to take Her away and will send Her back to earth to continue with Her life. God can do anything he wants. Why in the world would he need my wife, my love. Is it to punish Her or is it to punish me?
I do not think we did anything so bad in our lives to deserve this!
I have been arguing with god every night. I told him that he owes me big time for what he did or for what he did not do, like cure Her.
I told god I don't care if he gets angry at me but just make sure She is in a good place where there is no more suffering and She is with her loved ones. He could at least do this for Her and me.
A very good and close friend of mine sent me this:
God's Garden
God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
and the hills are hard to climb.
So, He closed your weary eyelids
and whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
Monday, March 17, 2014
A never ending sadness
I am starting to write this on Monday afternoon at 5:00 pm. Exactly half hour shy of four weeks after my wife passed away. Four weeks ago at this time I knew the end was near but was still hoping for a last minute reprieve, a miracle. But that miracle never came and at 5:30 Her world came to an end.
Her suffering was over, She had no more pains. There was no more discomfort, no more medications to be administered and life as She knew was no more.
Knowing all these and more should comfort me. The knowledge that She does not suffer any more should comfort me. The fact that She does not have to be prodded with needles and tubes should comfort me. But they do not.
I still feel empty and the fact that She is not here with me is driving me up the wall. I said earlier that at 5:30 pm Her world came to an end. In reality my world also came to an end. But I am supposed to be strong silent type and supposed to be able to take the pain. I am a man and men are strong and men do not cry.
That is hogwash! I am in pain and I do cry. I cry for a lost life, I cry for a lost love and I cry for all the sufferings She had to go through and at the end for what? I am not crying for me, I am crying for Her.
I had friends who lost their loved ones years ago. At those times I did not realize the grief they had to go through. The pain, the loss of their partners. Now, I do understand! Now I am one of them and I share their grief.
At the funeral service I said no one should take their spouses, partners for granted. Life is funny and God works in mysterious ways. Tragedy can strike from the most unexpected direction.
At the funeral service I also said that no matter what tragedy happens the sun will go down and the next day the sun will come up again. Meaning that life goes on. I do believe this even when this is easier said than done.
I have no children to take care of, I have no pets that rely on me, I have no family that needs me. I am alone but I do have good friends who stand by me in my time of sorrow. And that is a very good feeling.
Last week I attended a bereavement session at Sloan Kettering Hospital for people who recently lost a family member. Before, I never believed in these counseling sessions. But I have to tell you it was very enlightening. First, it was very open and honest. It was not shameful for any one of us to cry openly when we talked about our loved ones we lost. We all compared notes about our behaviors and realized there was nothing abnormal about what each of us were doing.
There really is no rule about how to behave when one loses the love of his or her life.
Her suffering was over, She had no more pains. There was no more discomfort, no more medications to be administered and life as She knew was no more.
Knowing all these and more should comfort me. The knowledge that She does not suffer any more should comfort me. The fact that She does not have to be prodded with needles and tubes should comfort me. But they do not.
I still feel empty and the fact that She is not here with me is driving me up the wall. I said earlier that at 5:30 pm Her world came to an end. In reality my world also came to an end. But I am supposed to be strong silent type and supposed to be able to take the pain. I am a man and men are strong and men do not cry.
That is hogwash! I am in pain and I do cry. I cry for a lost life, I cry for a lost love and I cry for all the sufferings She had to go through and at the end for what? I am not crying for me, I am crying for Her.
I had friends who lost their loved ones years ago. At those times I did not realize the grief they had to go through. The pain, the loss of their partners. Now, I do understand! Now I am one of them and I share their grief.
At the funeral service I said no one should take their spouses, partners for granted. Life is funny and God works in mysterious ways. Tragedy can strike from the most unexpected direction.
At the funeral service I also said that no matter what tragedy happens the sun will go down and the next day the sun will come up again. Meaning that life goes on. I do believe this even when this is easier said than done.
I have no children to take care of, I have no pets that rely on me, I have no family that needs me. I am alone but I do have good friends who stand by me in my time of sorrow. And that is a very good feeling.
Last week I attended a bereavement session at Sloan Kettering Hospital for people who recently lost a family member. Before, I never believed in these counseling sessions. But I have to tell you it was very enlightening. First, it was very open and honest. It was not shameful for any one of us to cry openly when we talked about our loved ones we lost. We all compared notes about our behaviors and realized there was nothing abnormal about what each of us were doing.
There really is no rule about how to behave when one loses the love of his or her life.
Life is an interesting journey
September 12, 2010 was the last time I wrote in this blog. A lot has changed since and most of it was life altering. At least for us here at home.
September 12, 2010 we were without a care two happy retired people just back from a good Caribbean vacation not even remotely thinking what was waiting for us here at home. On September 28, 2010 my wife was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and with that a road through hell has began.
We went to several doctors for first, second and third opinions and all came back with the same conclusion: it spread to the liver. We were lucky to find a very good doctor at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who excepted my wife as a patient and on November 1st, 2010 the first chemotherapy started.
With ups and downs, hopes and disappointments this went on for three years. Even though our life was never the same as before we made every effort to continue as normal as possible. But how do you carry on a normal life with cancer in the foreground?
Things did change. Our daily routine was altered to permit for the more frequent doctor visits. There was weight loss and hair loss because of the chemotherapy. There were several inconveniences because of the chemotherapy. But we learned to live with all this hoping that at the end of the long suffering road good results were waiting for us and mainly for her.
One thing never changed though. Our love for each other if not remained the same it got stronger. I was ready to give up my life for her to get better! And know that until the last minute she loved me the same.
Last October, in 2013 the world collapsed. Suddenly her condition turned for the worst and several complications arose. She had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Each time she was discharged from the hospital we were hoping this was the last time and from here on she would get better. But we were not so lucky.
On January 16, 2014 she was admitted to the hospital for a particular procedure that the doctors hoped would help her condition but unfortunately because of complications with the liver the procedure was not performed. From then on things went downhill.
It appears that the liver just gave up functioning and on February 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm she stopped breathing.
She was such a hero. Submitted herself to all the treatments, procedures, needle pricks, medications without any serious complaint. She was hoping that all that suffering will be rewarded at the end.
The five weeks she spent at the hospital I rarely left her side. Stayed with her almost 24/7. I wanted utilize every moment we had together and was constantly telling her how much I loved her.
Now, it is four weeks since she passed away and I can not get my mind to accept it that she is no longer here with me. I am living in an apartment that is her. Everywhere I look I see her. I am trying to do things the way she liked them to be done so not to upset her.
I carry on during the day but when night comes it is becoming extremely lonely. I can not begin to describe how much I miss her. We were married for over 33 years and I always hoped we would die together somehow maybe in an airplane accident or car crash. But not like this.
The only good thing at the end was, if it can be called a good thing, that she did not suffer. The last days she was out of conciousness and did not know what was going on. She did not suffer and went very peacefully.
I am not a religious man. The catholics are too pompous and ceremonial for my taste and the Jews are too mystical with the hebrew language that I do not understand. But I do believe there is a God somewhere because all this could not evolve from some fish crawling out of the oceans. So, I prayed. I prayed constantly for help, good results and at the end for some miracle. I never in my life prayed so much as in the last several weeks.
But God abandoned her! I am not even saying God abandoned me because I do not count. But God abandoned her and that is the truth. I am very angry at God and I let him know it. He has yet to prove to me how this fits in the big picture. Why he could not help my loving, innocent wife get better if he is so almighty and powerful? This I have yet to understand and accept.
September 12, 2010 we were without a care two happy retired people just back from a good Caribbean vacation not even remotely thinking what was waiting for us here at home. On September 28, 2010 my wife was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and with that a road through hell has began.
We went to several doctors for first, second and third opinions and all came back with the same conclusion: it spread to the liver. We were lucky to find a very good doctor at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who excepted my wife as a patient and on November 1st, 2010 the first chemotherapy started.
With ups and downs, hopes and disappointments this went on for three years. Even though our life was never the same as before we made every effort to continue as normal as possible. But how do you carry on a normal life with cancer in the foreground?
Things did change. Our daily routine was altered to permit for the more frequent doctor visits. There was weight loss and hair loss because of the chemotherapy. There were several inconveniences because of the chemotherapy. But we learned to live with all this hoping that at the end of the long suffering road good results were waiting for us and mainly for her.
One thing never changed though. Our love for each other if not remained the same it got stronger. I was ready to give up my life for her to get better! And know that until the last minute she loved me the same.
Last October, in 2013 the world collapsed. Suddenly her condition turned for the worst and several complications arose. She had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Each time she was discharged from the hospital we were hoping this was the last time and from here on she would get better. But we were not so lucky.
On January 16, 2014 she was admitted to the hospital for a particular procedure that the doctors hoped would help her condition but unfortunately because of complications with the liver the procedure was not performed. From then on things went downhill.
It appears that the liver just gave up functioning and on February 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm she stopped breathing.
She was such a hero. Submitted herself to all the treatments, procedures, needle pricks, medications without any serious complaint. She was hoping that all that suffering will be rewarded at the end.
The five weeks she spent at the hospital I rarely left her side. Stayed with her almost 24/7. I wanted utilize every moment we had together and was constantly telling her how much I loved her.
Now, it is four weeks since she passed away and I can not get my mind to accept it that she is no longer here with me. I am living in an apartment that is her. Everywhere I look I see her. I am trying to do things the way she liked them to be done so not to upset her.
I carry on during the day but when night comes it is becoming extremely lonely. I can not begin to describe how much I miss her. We were married for over 33 years and I always hoped we would die together somehow maybe in an airplane accident or car crash. But not like this.
The only good thing at the end was, if it can be called a good thing, that she did not suffer. The last days she was out of conciousness and did not know what was going on. She did not suffer and went very peacefully.
I am not a religious man. The catholics are too pompous and ceremonial for my taste and the Jews are too mystical with the hebrew language that I do not understand. But I do believe there is a God somewhere because all this could not evolve from some fish crawling out of the oceans. So, I prayed. I prayed constantly for help, good results and at the end for some miracle. I never in my life prayed so much as in the last several weeks.
But God abandoned her! I am not even saying God abandoned me because I do not count. But God abandoned her and that is the truth. I am very angry at God and I let him know it. He has yet to prove to me how this fits in the big picture. Why he could not help my loving, innocent wife get better if he is so almighty and powerful? This I have yet to understand and accept.
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