Memorial Service

Friday afternoon we plan to have a memorial service for my wife in a Manhattan church. This service is being held in the neighborhood she lived in before we met. Now, I am Jewish but She was a baptized Roman Catholic and we decided to give Her this memorial service.

I'll be in god's house and I plan to ask him directly why did he do this. Why did he not help her and why did he decide to ruin our family.

Like I said I am Jewish but She was Catholic. But I do believe that god does not care about religion. It is only something to confuse people like we all speak different languages. If there is a god he is everywhere and he understands every language. Not just Hebrew or Latin or Arabic or Chinese or any other religion's language. It does not matter what language we speak to him as long as it is in our hearts. That is what god supposed to understand.

When I prayed to him I prayed with my every being for helping my poor wife. But it was to no avail. That is what I plan to ask him on Friday: why?

What was his resoning to take Her away from this world that She loved so much to be in?

Actually I don't want to piss him off. I want him to make sure that my wife is in a good place where there is no more suffering and no more pain. If I can be sure of this then I might be able to relax a bit and accept the situation.

Not that I won't miss Her awful because I do and I will but that knowledge might make it a little bit easier to bear.

Today I am in pain! Not psychological pain but in physical pain. I cleaned the apartment and right now every bone in my body hurt. I keep telling myself that it is like working out in the gym, it is an execise but somehow this theory does not help. I still hurt and that is the end of it. I just hope I did everything the right way and She won't get mad at me. Actually, the apartment is pretty clean now and that is a good feeling. This was the first useful thing I did all week!

I am extremely busy during the week. I make all these plans about doing things then at the end do absolutely nothing. Do you realize how time consuming is to do nothing? Before I realize, the day is over and I just come to the conclusion that I did none of my plans.

I keep hearing my wife saying that I can piss away time like nobody else. Well, at least this way I will have something to do the next day!