Life is an interesting journey

September 12, 2010 was the last time I wrote in this blog. A lot has changed since and most of it was life altering. At least for us here at home.

September 12, 2010 we were without a care two happy retired people just back from a good Caribbean vacation not even remotely thinking what was waiting for us here at home. On September 28, 2010 my wife was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and with that a road through hell has began.

We went to several doctors for first, second and third opinions and all came back with the same conclusion: it spread to the liver. We were lucky to find a very good doctor at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who excepted my wife as a patient and on November 1st, 2010 the first chemotherapy started.

With ups and downs, hopes and disappointments this went on for three years. Even though our life was never the same as before we made every effort to continue as normal as possible. But how do you carry on a normal life with cancer in the foreground?

Things did change. Our daily routine was altered to permit for the more frequent doctor visits. There was weight loss and hair loss because of the chemotherapy. There were several inconveniences because of the chemotherapy. But we learned to live with all this hoping that at the end of the long suffering road good results were waiting for us and mainly for her.

One thing never changed though. Our love for each other if not remained the same it got stronger. I was ready to give up my life for her to get better! And  know that until the last minute she loved me the same.

Last October, in 2013 the world collapsed. Suddenly her condition turned for the worst and  several complications arose. She had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Each time she was discharged from the hospital we were hoping this was the last time and from here on she would get better. But we were not so lucky.

On January 16, 2014 she was admitted to the hospital for a particular procedure that the doctors hoped would help her condition but unfortunately because of complications with the liver the procedure was not performed. From then on things went downhill.

It appears that the liver just gave up functioning and on February 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm she stopped breathing.

She was such a hero. Submitted herself to all the treatments, procedures, needle pricks, medications without any serious complaint. She was hoping that all that suffering will be rewarded at the end.

The five weeks she spent at the hospital I rarely left her side. Stayed with her almost 24/7. I wanted utilize every moment we had together and was constantly telling her how much I loved her.
Now, it is four weeks since she passed away and I can not get my mind to accept it that she is no longer here with me. I am living in an apartment that is her. Everywhere I look I see her. I am trying to do things the way she liked them to be done so not to upset her.
I carry on during the day but when night comes it is becoming extremely lonely. I can not begin to describe how much I miss her. We were married for over 33 years and I always hoped we would die together somehow maybe in an airplane accident or car crash. But not like this.
The only good thing at the end was, if it can be called a good thing, that she did not suffer. The last days she was out of conciousness and did not know what was going on. She did not suffer and went very peacefully.
I am not a religious man. The catholics are too pompous and ceremonial for my taste and the Jews are too mystical with the hebrew language that I do not understand. But I do believe there is a God somewhere because all this could not evolve from some fish crawling out of the oceans. So, I prayed. I prayed constantly for help, good results and at the end for some miracle. I never in my life prayed so much as in the last several weeks.
But God abandoned her! I am not even saying God abandoned me because I do not count. But God abandoned her and that is the truth. I am very angry at God and I let him know it. He has yet to prove to me how this fits in the big picture. Why he could not help my loving, innocent wife get better if he is so almighty and powerful? This I have yet to understand and accept.