Friday we had the Memorial Service as planned. It is too bad it did not turn out as well as I have hoped for. We had a fairly nice turnout. People from the old neighborhood came since the church was right by where my wife and her brother lived with their parents. All these people I also knew and I really appreciated their showing of respect towards Her.
The problem I had was with the priest. First of all nobody could understand what he was saying. This is a very large church, he spoke into a microphone and because of the echo it was impossible to follow what he was saying. Fortunately I caught twice when he mentioned my wife's name and that was enough for me.
The other thing was that he rushed the entire service like he had somewhere to go. I understand that this is routine and doing it several times a day, day in and day out gets kind of boring but come on, this his job. If he does not like it quit and do something else that is more exciting. I can't even say that this was an empty church. No, there were quite a few people besides us for the Lent service so, he should have conducted a decent, respectable mass.
That's all right. Next time I am having my argument with god I'll mention this, too. By the way, I did ask god while I was in his house why did he do what he did. Why did he take her away from us but to date I received no response.
The sad truth is that I will very likely not receive an explanation and it will take a long time for me to understand and accept the reasoning behind my wife's leaving this earth.
Every time I see two people together I feel very envious and sad. I feel I was robbed from having love, having somebody snuggle up to me at night, kissing somebody before drifting off to sleep.
Ok, it is only almost five weeks that She passed away and my feelings for Her are very strong and I do understand that it is fairly normal. But I don't want to live up to a norm. It is me and for me all these feelings are unique and painful.
Will they go away? No, they won't. But they will subside in time and will not be in the forefront. But they will always remain in my mind and heart. I know life goes on, the sun comes up every day, there are things to do, bills to pay, friends to cultivate. So, I must get my act together and start being strong because that's what She would have wanted to do.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
My Grief
The quoted portion is directly from Wikipedia:
"Grieving process: Every step of the process is natural and healthy. It is only when a person gets stuck in one step for a long period of time that the grieving can become unhealthy, destructive and even dangerous. Going through the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but everyone does have a common goal; acceptance of the loss and to keep moving forward. This process is different for every person but can be understood in four or more stages, depending upon the theory that is being used. In the four step model there are:
Shock and Denial
Shock is the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The person may not yet be willing or able to believe what their mind knows to be true. This stage normally lasts two or three months.
Intense Concern
Intense concern often manifests by being unable to think of anything else. Even during daily tasks, thoughts of the loss keep coming to mind. Conversations with one at this stage always turn to the loss as well. This period may last from six months to a year.
Despair and Depression
Despair and depression is a long period of grief, the most painful and protracted stage for the griever (during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss). The process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many behaviors may be irrational. Depression can include feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and anxiety.
Recovery
The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. In this stage, one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally day to day. The goal is to reorganize one’s life, so the loss is an important part of life rather than its center."
This might be boring to read to anybody not involved but the more I read it the more I realize that I do have some of these symptoms.
Three months, six months to a year, long period of grief... They all sound all right when one is a younger person but I do not have the luxury of waiting several years. I am kind of over the hill even if I don't feel it. So, every year counts at this time in my life.
This does not mean that I want to get this grief business as listed above over with. I will deal wit it in my own way and in my own time. That is the whole idea.
Right now, analyzing myself, I am in step one and two. I am trying to deal with daily life as well as I can while I am not ready to believe what really transpired.
I am not anxiously waiting for the symptoms to disappear and let the next step began but I do realize these stages of grief exist and a person has to go through them.
Right now everything is fresh and things I have to take care of -business wise- break my heart each and every time. It is the finality of the situation that is the hardest to accept.
Anybody who read my blog might realize that this is the first time I did not write about my wife but I wrote about myself and my feelings. This does not mean that I turned the corner and worry only about me. No sir! I really don't worry about me. I only care about Her and Her memory.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
"Grieving process: Every step of the process is natural and healthy. It is only when a person gets stuck in one step for a long period of time that the grieving can become unhealthy, destructive and even dangerous. Going through the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but everyone does have a common goal; acceptance of the loss and to keep moving forward. This process is different for every person but can be understood in four or more stages, depending upon the theory that is being used. In the four step model there are:
Shock and Denial
Shock is the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The person may not yet be willing or able to believe what their mind knows to be true. This stage normally lasts two or three months.
Intense Concern
Intense concern often manifests by being unable to think of anything else. Even during daily tasks, thoughts of the loss keep coming to mind. Conversations with one at this stage always turn to the loss as well. This period may last from six months to a year.
Despair and Depression
Despair and depression is a long period of grief, the most painful and protracted stage for the griever (during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss). The process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many behaviors may be irrational. Depression can include feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and anxiety.
Recovery
The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. In this stage, one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally day to day. The goal is to reorganize one’s life, so the loss is an important part of life rather than its center."
This might be boring to read to anybody not involved but the more I read it the more I realize that I do have some of these symptoms.
Three months, six months to a year, long period of grief... They all sound all right when one is a younger person but I do not have the luxury of waiting several years. I am kind of over the hill even if I don't feel it. So, every year counts at this time in my life.
This does not mean that I want to get this grief business as listed above over with. I will deal wit it in my own way and in my own time. That is the whole idea.
Right now, analyzing myself, I am in step one and two. I am trying to deal with daily life as well as I can while I am not ready to believe what really transpired.
I am not anxiously waiting for the symptoms to disappear and let the next step began but I do realize these stages of grief exist and a person has to go through them.
Right now everything is fresh and things I have to take care of -business wise- break my heart each and every time. It is the finality of the situation that is the hardest to accept.
Anybody who read my blog might realize that this is the first time I did not write about my wife but I wrote about myself and my feelings. This does not mean that I turned the corner and worry only about me. No sir! I really don't worry about me. I only care about Her and Her memory.
And I am still waiting for the doorbell to ring!
Friday, March 21, 2014
Memorial Service
Friday afternoon we plan to have a memorial service for my wife in a Manhattan church. This service is being held in the neighborhood she lived in before we met. Now, I am Jewish but She was a baptized Roman Catholic and we decided to give Her this memorial service.
I'll be in god's house and I plan to ask him directly why did he do this. Why did he not help her and why did he decide to ruin our family.
Like I said I am Jewish but She was Catholic. But I do believe that god does not care about religion. It is only something to confuse people like we all speak different languages. If there is a god he is everywhere and he understands every language. Not just Hebrew or Latin or Arabic or Chinese or any other religion's language. It does not matter what language we speak to him as long as it is in our hearts. That is what god supposed to understand.
When I prayed to him I prayed with my every being for helping my poor wife. But it was to no avail. That is what I plan to ask him on Friday: why?
What was his resoning to take Her away from this world that She loved so much to be in?
Actually I don't want to piss him off. I want him to make sure that my wife is in a good place where there is no more suffering and no more pain. If I can be sure of this then I might be able to relax a bit and accept the situation.
Not that I won't miss Her awful because I do and I will but that knowledge might make it a little bit easier to bear.
Today I am in pain! Not psychological pain but in physical pain. I cleaned the apartment and right now every bone in my body hurt. I keep telling myself that it is like working out in the gym, it is an execise but somehow this theory does not help. I still hurt and that is the end of it. I just hope I did everything the right way and She won't get mad at me. Actually, the apartment is pretty clean now and that is a good feeling. This was the first useful thing I did all week!
I am extremely busy during the week. I make all these plans about doing things then at the end do absolutely nothing. Do you realize how time consuming is to do nothing? Before I realize, the day is over and I just come to the conclusion that I did none of my plans.
I keep hearing my wife saying that I can piss away time like nobody else. Well, at least this way I will have something to do the next day!
I'll be in god's house and I plan to ask him directly why did he do this. Why did he not help her and why did he decide to ruin our family.
Like I said I am Jewish but She was Catholic. But I do believe that god does not care about religion. It is only something to confuse people like we all speak different languages. If there is a god he is everywhere and he understands every language. Not just Hebrew or Latin or Arabic or Chinese or any other religion's language. It does not matter what language we speak to him as long as it is in our hearts. That is what god supposed to understand.
When I prayed to him I prayed with my every being for helping my poor wife. But it was to no avail. That is what I plan to ask him on Friday: why?
What was his resoning to take Her away from this world that She loved so much to be in?
Actually I don't want to piss him off. I want him to make sure that my wife is in a good place where there is no more suffering and no more pain. If I can be sure of this then I might be able to relax a bit and accept the situation.
Not that I won't miss Her awful because I do and I will but that knowledge might make it a little bit easier to bear.
Today I am in pain! Not psychological pain but in physical pain. I cleaned the apartment and right now every bone in my body hurt. I keep telling myself that it is like working out in the gym, it is an execise but somehow this theory does not help. I still hurt and that is the end of it. I just hope I did everything the right way and She won't get mad at me. Actually, the apartment is pretty clean now and that is a good feeling. This was the first useful thing I did all week!
I am extremely busy during the week. I make all these plans about doing things then at the end do absolutely nothing. Do you realize how time consuming is to do nothing? Before I realize, the day is over and I just come to the conclusion that I did none of my plans.
I keep hearing my wife saying that I can piss away time like nobody else. Well, at least this way I will have something to do the next day!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Domestic Engineering
We men tend to take our wives for granted. We already accepted that they are stronger and smarter than us but we also believe that they are indestructible. They are supposed to outlive us, take care of us when we are sick, keep our house in order, keep us fed. And they make it look so simple!
But when tragedy strikes and they leave us before we had the chance to leave we realize that things they made look easy are anything but.
At least I am talking about myself. I am sitting in the empty apartment looking around and saying to no one particular: "my god, I'll have to take care of all this by myself". It is a small consolation that I have an apartment and not a house, but from where I sit it still looks gigantic.
I can't relax. Everywhere I look I notice something that I should clean the next time I clean house. And the list is growing. And when I am convinced I have a complete list something else pops up.
Previously we cleaned everything together. I did the heavy stuff, vacuming, bathroom/kitchen floors, laundry, and She did the small stuff. The porcelain, books, glass and other nick nacks. Now I have to get a PHD from domestic engineering to be able to do all that by myself.
I keep saying to myself that when She comes back we will fix everything. I am having a very difficult time believing that this situation might be permanent.
We hade no children and I really feel sorry for any father who loses his wife but have to take care of his children. Having a child or children around at a time like this robs the person from the chance of grieving. First responsibility is to take care of the children and at the same time put on a pleasant face. Grieving has to be done somewhere in a closet where nobody sees him.
I don't have that problem. There is nobody here with me so I can cry whenever I want to. I don't have to put on a brave face for the sake of children.
Speaking of children. I might be cynical about this but I do believe that at times like this grown children are no help at all. At my age if I had children they would be grown by now with their own families and I would be a grandparent several times over. Also, who knows where my children would live in this huge country.
So, if a tragedy like this strikes they would come and circle their wagons around me for a while. They would say big words, cry crocodile tears and would tell me to call them whenever I needed something. Then they would get in their cars and go home to wherever they lived hoping that I never call.
At the end of the day I would still be alone, I would be without my love, my partner and no children can replace that.
Who can a person count on when tragedy hits at home? Thankfully, I have friends who care about me, who call and inquire about my well being and also since I can not cook feed me.
Here are my problems. I can not cook and I am color blind. The color blindness is worse than not being able to cook since I have to smell food because I might not see if it is turning green. I am afraid I might also dress funny since I don't know what color goes with what. My wife always corrected me if I put something stupid on.
So, today is cleaning day for me and I will try to live up to Her expectations, which will not be easy.
But when tragedy strikes and they leave us before we had the chance to leave we realize that things they made look easy are anything but.
At least I am talking about myself. I am sitting in the empty apartment looking around and saying to no one particular: "my god, I'll have to take care of all this by myself". It is a small consolation that I have an apartment and not a house, but from where I sit it still looks gigantic.
I can't relax. Everywhere I look I notice something that I should clean the next time I clean house. And the list is growing. And when I am convinced I have a complete list something else pops up.
Previously we cleaned everything together. I did the heavy stuff, vacuming, bathroom/kitchen floors, laundry, and She did the small stuff. The porcelain, books, glass and other nick nacks. Now I have to get a PHD from domestic engineering to be able to do all that by myself.
I keep saying to myself that when She comes back we will fix everything. I am having a very difficult time believing that this situation might be permanent.
We hade no children and I really feel sorry for any father who loses his wife but have to take care of his children. Having a child or children around at a time like this robs the person from the chance of grieving. First responsibility is to take care of the children and at the same time put on a pleasant face. Grieving has to be done somewhere in a closet where nobody sees him.
I don't have that problem. There is nobody here with me so I can cry whenever I want to. I don't have to put on a brave face for the sake of children.
Speaking of children. I might be cynical about this but I do believe that at times like this grown children are no help at all. At my age if I had children they would be grown by now with their own families and I would be a grandparent several times over. Also, who knows where my children would live in this huge country.
So, if a tragedy like this strikes they would come and circle their wagons around me for a while. They would say big words, cry crocodile tears and would tell me to call them whenever I needed something. Then they would get in their cars and go home to wherever they lived hoping that I never call.
At the end of the day I would still be alone, I would be without my love, my partner and no children can replace that.
Who can a person count on when tragedy hits at home? Thankfully, I have friends who care about me, who call and inquire about my well being and also since I can not cook feed me.
Here are my problems. I can not cook and I am color blind. The color blindness is worse than not being able to cook since I have to smell food because I might not see if it is turning green. I am afraid I might also dress funny since I don't know what color goes with what. My wife always corrected me if I put something stupid on.
So, today is cleaning day for me and I will try to live up to Her expectations, which will not be easy.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Love and Pain
I have to tell that the pain of seeing one's loved one dying must be the worst thing in the world.
The week before my wife passed away was really the beginning of the end. On Thursday the attending physician after checking on my wife's condition waved to me to follow him out of the room. He informed me that from that point on they would stop all treatments and they would concentrate on only making Her comfortable. This is what they called "comfort treatment". In other words they saw no reason to continue any medical treatment because there was nothing more they could do there was no hope for a reversal of Her condition.
At this point I thought I would die! As nicely and gently he put it, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.
This really would be the beginning of the end? I did not want to accept it. I did not want to believe that there was nothing more that could be done. I started grasping at straws, I was desperate. I started looking into clinical trials and was talking to doctors. I was told she was too sick and too far gone for any clinical trials and Her condition was irreversible.
This was the hardest part. To accept the inevitable. And during all this She was just lying there peacefully (I think)unaware of what was going on around Her.
I was told by the nurses to keep talking to her because even if there was no visible reaction She was supposed to hear the voices. I sat by Her bed and told Her repeatedly how much I loved Her and how much it meant to me that we were together all these years (33+). And if and when we argued and fought at the end of the day we made peace and the next day was always new day.
I hope when She took Her last breath She knew that She was loved very, very much.
At the bereavement session there were women who lost their husbands several months ago, one as long as eight monts ago and still could not get herself to accept it and make changes in her life. Can not get rid of his clothing, would not change things in the house, etc. Understandable if not practical. We agreed that there are no set rules for something like this. People must do what they feel like doing and when they think the time is right. As I said before, life must go on. Actually, it is easier said than done!
Right now I am not touching anything that belong to my wife. I have no plans to do anything. I am hoping for a miracle that maybe the doorbell will ring and She will stand there and in that case She will need all Her things.
Maybe god realized it was a mistake to take Her away and will send Her back to earth to continue with Her life. God can do anything he wants. Why in the world would he need my wife, my love. Is it to punish Her or is it to punish me?
I do not think we did anything so bad in our lives to deserve this!
I have been arguing with god every night. I told him that he owes me big time for what he did or for what he did not do, like cure Her.
I told god I don't care if he gets angry at me but just make sure She is in a good place where there is no more suffering and She is with her loved ones. He could at least do this for Her and me.
A very good and close friend of mine sent me this:
God's Garden
God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
and the hills are hard to climb.
So, He closed your weary eyelids
and whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
The week before my wife passed away was really the beginning of the end. On Thursday the attending physician after checking on my wife's condition waved to me to follow him out of the room. He informed me that from that point on they would stop all treatments and they would concentrate on only making Her comfortable. This is what they called "comfort treatment". In other words they saw no reason to continue any medical treatment because there was nothing more they could do there was no hope for a reversal of Her condition.
At this point I thought I would die! As nicely and gently he put it, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.
This really would be the beginning of the end? I did not want to accept it. I did not want to believe that there was nothing more that could be done. I started grasping at straws, I was desperate. I started looking into clinical trials and was talking to doctors. I was told she was too sick and too far gone for any clinical trials and Her condition was irreversible.
This was the hardest part. To accept the inevitable. And during all this She was just lying there peacefully (I think)unaware of what was going on around Her.
I was told by the nurses to keep talking to her because even if there was no visible reaction She was supposed to hear the voices. I sat by Her bed and told Her repeatedly how much I loved Her and how much it meant to me that we were together all these years (33+). And if and when we argued and fought at the end of the day we made peace and the next day was always new day.
I hope when She took Her last breath She knew that She was loved very, very much.
At the bereavement session there were women who lost their husbands several months ago, one as long as eight monts ago and still could not get herself to accept it and make changes in her life. Can not get rid of his clothing, would not change things in the house, etc. Understandable if not practical. We agreed that there are no set rules for something like this. People must do what they feel like doing and when they think the time is right. As I said before, life must go on. Actually, it is easier said than done!
Right now I am not touching anything that belong to my wife. I have no plans to do anything. I am hoping for a miracle that maybe the doorbell will ring and She will stand there and in that case She will need all Her things.
Maybe god realized it was a mistake to take Her away and will send Her back to earth to continue with Her life. God can do anything he wants. Why in the world would he need my wife, my love. Is it to punish Her or is it to punish me?
I do not think we did anything so bad in our lives to deserve this!
I have been arguing with god every night. I told him that he owes me big time for what he did or for what he did not do, like cure Her.
I told god I don't care if he gets angry at me but just make sure She is in a good place where there is no more suffering and She is with her loved ones. He could at least do this for Her and me.
A very good and close friend of mine sent me this:
God's Garden
God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
and the hills are hard to climb.
So, He closed your weary eyelids
and whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
Monday, March 17, 2014
A never ending sadness
I am starting to write this on Monday afternoon at 5:00 pm. Exactly half hour shy of four weeks after my wife passed away. Four weeks ago at this time I knew the end was near but was still hoping for a last minute reprieve, a miracle. But that miracle never came and at 5:30 Her world came to an end.
Her suffering was over, She had no more pains. There was no more discomfort, no more medications to be administered and life as She knew was no more.
Knowing all these and more should comfort me. The knowledge that She does not suffer any more should comfort me. The fact that She does not have to be prodded with needles and tubes should comfort me. But they do not.
I still feel empty and the fact that She is not here with me is driving me up the wall. I said earlier that at 5:30 pm Her world came to an end. In reality my world also came to an end. But I am supposed to be strong silent type and supposed to be able to take the pain. I am a man and men are strong and men do not cry.
That is hogwash! I am in pain and I do cry. I cry for a lost life, I cry for a lost love and I cry for all the sufferings She had to go through and at the end for what? I am not crying for me, I am crying for Her.
I had friends who lost their loved ones years ago. At those times I did not realize the grief they had to go through. The pain, the loss of their partners. Now, I do understand! Now I am one of them and I share their grief.
At the funeral service I said no one should take their spouses, partners for granted. Life is funny and God works in mysterious ways. Tragedy can strike from the most unexpected direction.
At the funeral service I also said that no matter what tragedy happens the sun will go down and the next day the sun will come up again. Meaning that life goes on. I do believe this even when this is easier said than done.
I have no children to take care of, I have no pets that rely on me, I have no family that needs me. I am alone but I do have good friends who stand by me in my time of sorrow. And that is a very good feeling.
Last week I attended a bereavement session at Sloan Kettering Hospital for people who recently lost a family member. Before, I never believed in these counseling sessions. But I have to tell you it was very enlightening. First, it was very open and honest. It was not shameful for any one of us to cry openly when we talked about our loved ones we lost. We all compared notes about our behaviors and realized there was nothing abnormal about what each of us were doing.
There really is no rule about how to behave when one loses the love of his or her life.
Her suffering was over, She had no more pains. There was no more discomfort, no more medications to be administered and life as She knew was no more.
Knowing all these and more should comfort me. The knowledge that She does not suffer any more should comfort me. The fact that She does not have to be prodded with needles and tubes should comfort me. But they do not.
I still feel empty and the fact that She is not here with me is driving me up the wall. I said earlier that at 5:30 pm Her world came to an end. In reality my world also came to an end. But I am supposed to be strong silent type and supposed to be able to take the pain. I am a man and men are strong and men do not cry.
That is hogwash! I am in pain and I do cry. I cry for a lost life, I cry for a lost love and I cry for all the sufferings She had to go through and at the end for what? I am not crying for me, I am crying for Her.
I had friends who lost their loved ones years ago. At those times I did not realize the grief they had to go through. The pain, the loss of their partners. Now, I do understand! Now I am one of them and I share their grief.
At the funeral service I said no one should take their spouses, partners for granted. Life is funny and God works in mysterious ways. Tragedy can strike from the most unexpected direction.
At the funeral service I also said that no matter what tragedy happens the sun will go down and the next day the sun will come up again. Meaning that life goes on. I do believe this even when this is easier said than done.
I have no children to take care of, I have no pets that rely on me, I have no family that needs me. I am alone but I do have good friends who stand by me in my time of sorrow. And that is a very good feeling.
Last week I attended a bereavement session at Sloan Kettering Hospital for people who recently lost a family member. Before, I never believed in these counseling sessions. But I have to tell you it was very enlightening. First, it was very open and honest. It was not shameful for any one of us to cry openly when we talked about our loved ones we lost. We all compared notes about our behaviors and realized there was nothing abnormal about what each of us were doing.
There really is no rule about how to behave when one loses the love of his or her life.
Life is an interesting journey
September 12, 2010 was the last time I wrote in this blog. A lot has changed since and most of it was life altering. At least for us here at home.
September 12, 2010 we were without a care two happy retired people just back from a good Caribbean vacation not even remotely thinking what was waiting for us here at home. On September 28, 2010 my wife was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and with that a road through hell has began.
We went to several doctors for first, second and third opinions and all came back with the same conclusion: it spread to the liver. We were lucky to find a very good doctor at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who excepted my wife as a patient and on November 1st, 2010 the first chemotherapy started.
With ups and downs, hopes and disappointments this went on for three years. Even though our life was never the same as before we made every effort to continue as normal as possible. But how do you carry on a normal life with cancer in the foreground?
Things did change. Our daily routine was altered to permit for the more frequent doctor visits. There was weight loss and hair loss because of the chemotherapy. There were several inconveniences because of the chemotherapy. But we learned to live with all this hoping that at the end of the long suffering road good results were waiting for us and mainly for her.
One thing never changed though. Our love for each other if not remained the same it got stronger. I was ready to give up my life for her to get better! And know that until the last minute she loved me the same.
Last October, in 2013 the world collapsed. Suddenly her condition turned for the worst and several complications arose. She had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Each time she was discharged from the hospital we were hoping this was the last time and from here on she would get better. But we were not so lucky.
On January 16, 2014 she was admitted to the hospital for a particular procedure that the doctors hoped would help her condition but unfortunately because of complications with the liver the procedure was not performed. From then on things went downhill.
It appears that the liver just gave up functioning and on February 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm she stopped breathing.
She was such a hero. Submitted herself to all the treatments, procedures, needle pricks, medications without any serious complaint. She was hoping that all that suffering will be rewarded at the end.
The five weeks she spent at the hospital I rarely left her side. Stayed with her almost 24/7. I wanted utilize every moment we had together and was constantly telling her how much I loved her.
Now, it is four weeks since she passed away and I can not get my mind to accept it that she is no longer here with me. I am living in an apartment that is her. Everywhere I look I see her. I am trying to do things the way she liked them to be done so not to upset her.
I carry on during the day but when night comes it is becoming extremely lonely. I can not begin to describe how much I miss her. We were married for over 33 years and I always hoped we would die together somehow maybe in an airplane accident or car crash. But not like this.
The only good thing at the end was, if it can be called a good thing, that she did not suffer. The last days she was out of conciousness and did not know what was going on. She did not suffer and went very peacefully.
I am not a religious man. The catholics are too pompous and ceremonial for my taste and the Jews are too mystical with the hebrew language that I do not understand. But I do believe there is a God somewhere because all this could not evolve from some fish crawling out of the oceans. So, I prayed. I prayed constantly for help, good results and at the end for some miracle. I never in my life prayed so much as in the last several weeks.
But God abandoned her! I am not even saying God abandoned me because I do not count. But God abandoned her and that is the truth. I am very angry at God and I let him know it. He has yet to prove to me how this fits in the big picture. Why he could not help my loving, innocent wife get better if he is so almighty and powerful? This I have yet to understand and accept.
September 12, 2010 we were without a care two happy retired people just back from a good Caribbean vacation not even remotely thinking what was waiting for us here at home. On September 28, 2010 my wife was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and with that a road through hell has began.
We went to several doctors for first, second and third opinions and all came back with the same conclusion: it spread to the liver. We were lucky to find a very good doctor at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who excepted my wife as a patient and on November 1st, 2010 the first chemotherapy started.
With ups and downs, hopes and disappointments this went on for three years. Even though our life was never the same as before we made every effort to continue as normal as possible. But how do you carry on a normal life with cancer in the foreground?
Things did change. Our daily routine was altered to permit for the more frequent doctor visits. There was weight loss and hair loss because of the chemotherapy. There were several inconveniences because of the chemotherapy. But we learned to live with all this hoping that at the end of the long suffering road good results were waiting for us and mainly for her.
One thing never changed though. Our love for each other if not remained the same it got stronger. I was ready to give up my life for her to get better! And know that until the last minute she loved me the same.
Last October, in 2013 the world collapsed. Suddenly her condition turned for the worst and several complications arose. She had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Each time she was discharged from the hospital we were hoping this was the last time and from here on she would get better. But we were not so lucky.
On January 16, 2014 she was admitted to the hospital for a particular procedure that the doctors hoped would help her condition but unfortunately because of complications with the liver the procedure was not performed. From then on things went downhill.
It appears that the liver just gave up functioning and on February 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm she stopped breathing.
She was such a hero. Submitted herself to all the treatments, procedures, needle pricks, medications without any serious complaint. She was hoping that all that suffering will be rewarded at the end.
The five weeks she spent at the hospital I rarely left her side. Stayed with her almost 24/7. I wanted utilize every moment we had together and was constantly telling her how much I loved her.
Now, it is four weeks since she passed away and I can not get my mind to accept it that she is no longer here with me. I am living in an apartment that is her. Everywhere I look I see her. I am trying to do things the way she liked them to be done so not to upset her.
I carry on during the day but when night comes it is becoming extremely lonely. I can not begin to describe how much I miss her. We were married for over 33 years and I always hoped we would die together somehow maybe in an airplane accident or car crash. But not like this.
The only good thing at the end was, if it can be called a good thing, that she did not suffer. The last days she was out of conciousness and did not know what was going on. She did not suffer and went very peacefully.
I am not a religious man. The catholics are too pompous and ceremonial for my taste and the Jews are too mystical with the hebrew language that I do not understand. But I do believe there is a God somewhere because all this could not evolve from some fish crawling out of the oceans. So, I prayed. I prayed constantly for help, good results and at the end for some miracle. I never in my life prayed so much as in the last several weeks.
But God abandoned her! I am not even saying God abandoned me because I do not count. But God abandoned her and that is the truth. I am very angry at God and I let him know it. He has yet to prove to me how this fits in the big picture. Why he could not help my loving, innocent wife get better if he is so almighty and powerful? This I have yet to understand and accept.
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