A Little Philosophy

A little soul baring is today's subject.

When I go to these monthly sessions at Memorial Sloan Kettering at the start of each gathering we all introduce ourselves and in a few words tell why we are there. The counsellor also wants us to tell in two words what we feel.

To some people it is not that easy to express such thing in two words but to some of us who have been coming there for a while it is not that difficult, since we already have the experience. Interestingly, those feelings change as time goes by.

When it was my turn I said "angry and cheated".

I explained the angry part as I am angry at whatever or whoever made the decision that I had to lose my Wife. I am angry at god I am angry at any supreme being who did not use their power to help her to get better. I am angry because I can not see how this was part of a bigger picture.

I also feel cheated. Cheated out of life, cheated out of the pleasure of living our life together as it should have been. We were both retired, we both looked forward to a happy time together and that was cheated away from me. I never thought far ahead how we would die. I always thought we would die together maybe in an airplane crash holding each other's hands.

These were my two cents into that big pot.

But I came up now with a third word: scared.

I am scared of life, I am scared of the future. I don't know what the future holds for me, what kind of life will I have, how will my life turn out.

Everyday is an adventure. Not the exciting type just the ordinary kind. I wake up in the morning and I have to think that what does the day hold for me, what am I going to do today, what will I eat, who will I talk to and other similar things.

And for someone who never really lived alone in his life it is very scary. I have to make decisions on things I never had to worry about.

But I always believed that no matter what happens the sun will still come up the next day and life must go on. Meaning I have to be strong, very social and not to be depressed. Easier said than done but I will do my best.